jeez..

i just read my last post.  it came off real douchey-like...

i guess it's easy to get excited about what you're doing when you're pushing new boundaries or breaching new territory - previously unexplored, in a place you thought you'd never be.  i'm always teetering on the edge of confidence and collapse.  i'm not sure what that says about me.

of course i want to be successful.  i want someone to swoop in and tell me i'm doing great and "hey - love your ideas, let's get this published", but i'm also excited to push some of those boundaries myself.  it's expensive though.  no one wants to use their own resources, but there is something strangely rewarding about saying "look what I did on my own".  Even if it's breaking me financially.

maybe that's dumb.  maybe i shouldn't push all of my chips to the center of the table.  but i want to believe in myself.  at least half of me has to fully commit to this, or i'll just stop.  so i'm 50% fully committed to believing that i can make this work and be successful.  ok 51%.  i'm not sure what the other 49% is up to.  probably nay-saying.  getting hung up on all of the writers out there who never get published.  never get a shot.

i don't want to be one of them.  i don't want to be douchey either.  please don't let me be.